If a body at rest tends to stay at rest, and a body in motion tends to stay in motion, does it also stand to reason that a body at unrest will continue along that path? What about a body at unrest with the ability to choose a different path? Please do me the honor of thinking before responding - my life depends on the answer.
I'm such a restless sort - thoughts always swirling around in my head. Me, always feeling compelled to learn more, to see more, to do more. It's such a big world, full of things to discover, and it feels like there aren't enough seconds in a lifetime to explore them all... so I vacillate between trying to do everything and just being still, because it's impossible to do everything. I've gone to therapy, done yoga, drank too much wine, taken meds, drank too much beer, gleaned advice from friends and family... all with the hopes of calming this restlessness. I've been labeled an HSP, an INFJ, a typical sagittarius (or, more recently, an "ophiuchus"), gifted, nervous, an artistic-type, contrary, and just plain old weird.
In the end, I'm still me. A rose (or a weed) by any other name...
I so want to be more than I am. Always have. And maybe that's the problem - knowing in my head that "I am enough." but in my heart, feeling that if I just learn a little more, do a little more, I'll be - I don't know... more, I guess.
Ambition seems like a loaded word, carrying both hope and dissatisfaction. When ambitions are realized, new ones peek out from behind them. Always. But how is it possible to get things done without ambition? Is it possible?
These are some of the questions that I ask myself, and I try not to blog them because I'm sure nobody wants to read about me chasing my own tail like a silly puppy. But then I think "Maybe somebody else out there is chasing their tail too." And so, I blog. I can't call this blog "Living Truthfully," and then not tell the truth, right?
I'm auditioning for TV shows, web series, commercials, and features, and rehearsing for a play*. I have a commercial running like crazy (or so I hear, because I rarely see it), and 3 more regional spots that are in the can, ready to run. I have a number of shows that re-run all the time. I am truly living the life of a working actress in Hollywood.
But I'm still restless.
Still wondering "what's next?" "What's the point of it all?" "What am I contributing to the world?" I was recently asked to participate in an interview with the founder of Girls Rule! for their HERstory Makers Series. "Me?" Was my first thought. I just didn't believe that I had done anything that warranted being interviewed. Heck, I'm still grinding to climb the ladder. After being assured that the interview could be inspirational to lots of young ladies (particularly those of color) who aspired to be actresses. How could I say "no?"
Doing the interview made me feel like I was giving of myself in at least some small way-inspiring young girls to follow their dreams. Honestly, that meant more to me than my usual day-to-day rat-race.
I need a vacation where I can just sit and think. I need to come up with a better plan than the one that I have now.
So, that's where I am.
*My show is "The Young Man From Atlanta" by Horton Foote. It's the L.A. Premiere, and it runs weekends from 3/11 - 4/16. The production company's website is here: WEBSITE
You can buy tickets here: TICKETS