Tanked.

A showbiz-related question that I get asked a LOT is "how do you handle the rejection."  My answer: "I don't take it personally."  As long as I've done everything that I can do to prepare and present well in the audition, I know it's not about me.  They just wanted someone who offered something different.  If I'm an apple and "they" want an orange, I can be the shiniest, yummiest apple ever, but I'm still not an orange.

What I do take very personally is the work that I present.  I do my homework at home, and then go into the room and give 'em what I have.  My auditions usually go well.  As a professional, it's my job to make them go well.

But sometimes, despite my best efforts, they go right into the tank.

As in: septic.

And that really hurts my feelings.

I tank 1-2 a year.  I remember the1 from last year, and this year, I've tanked 2.  The latest was yesterday.  I had a lot of trouble memorizing the scene.  I just couldn't seem to retain it, no matter how much I ran it, so I had a fellow actor come over and work on it with me.  By the end it was pretty good, but it wasn't 'ready.'  I went to bed, got up early, worked on it some more, and went to my audition, reciting my (memorized) lines, and pushing away the nerves.

I rarely get nervous anymore - that's how I knew something was wrong.  I felt like I was about to start hyperventilating as my name was called.  Still, professional here - I pushed away the feeling.  I just had to be stellar for 60 seconds - surely I could do that!

Nope.  I started the scene over twice (which means I almost got through it 3 times).  By the 3rd time, I was reading off of the paper and just wanted to leave the room.  When I left, I was upset and agitated, and sat in my car for awhile, playing it over in my head.  Eventually I drove home, and parked myself on the couch.  Later, there was ice cream.  And a cookie.

It still stings today.  I did everything I normally do.  I did everything "right" in my preparation... how did everything go so wrong?

I don't know.  Really, all I can do is let it go.  Actors are humans, not robots, and isht just happens sometimes.

Win or lose, it's always on to the next one.

--Nicole

P.S. - I just remembered that I also looked into the camera a couple of times.  A real no-no unless it's a show that removes the 4th wall and lets you interact directly with the viewer. This wasn't.