Today is Labor Day, 2015. I've had a lot of solitude this weekend, which has been really nice. Those who know me know that I tend to runrunrun until health forces me to stop, and this time was no different. I was so fatigued by the end of last week that I was taking naps between appointments on Friday, and on Saturday I lay down for a nap and slept for thirteen hours straight. And that's not anywhere near my personal best.
Sunday found me alternately sunken into my sofa, binge-watching "Switched At Birth", and sitting on my pouffe making jewelry while watching "Switched At Birth". From time to time I would also follow my mind to the place where it insisted on poking around like a dog who has caught wind of something and insists on a thorough inspection before continuing down the road.
What I found there is something that I've always known.
I found that, in order to be the best ME that I can be, I need more quiet in my life.
My life is too loud right now. I can blame it on any number of things (all of which are related to my choices):
- my career ambitions in an industry that is largely about visibility and self-promotion
- my desire to help people, including other actors, which often leads to me pouring out more than I replenish
- social media, which is an easy way to connect with people (and y'all know I love technology), but it still requires quite a bit of time and energy to actually engage with people like the actual people that they are, and not just like names on a screen
- my curiosity, which leads me to explore, try, and take on more than I am physically able. The spirit may be willing, but the flesh done got TIRED.
Early this year, I adopted the first line of Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata" as my credo:
"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence."
I posted the entire poem around my home, in my car, and carry it with me in my wallet as a reminder to slow down and be deliberate about my actions and my words instead of reactionary.
It works when I actually SLOW DOWN and read the friggin' thing, but on the whole, I haven't been very dutiful.
I feel like I'm going to miss out on something that I really need if I take the time to "go placidly", and the little house of cards that I've worked so hard to build will come crashing down. I worry that someone who desperately needs to hear something won't hear it if I am silent for awhile.
But as I read further into Mr. Ehrmann's poem, I find something that I desperately need to hear:
"...be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
Something has to change. And that "something" is ME.
The "why" and the "how" are crystal clear. (see "My life is too loud." and "...be gentle with yourself.")
All that's left is the "do." And I'm good at "doing."
That's how I created this situation in the first place.