Is This Thing (still) On??

As I begin this post, it doesn't have a title. I may add one later if something suitable comes to mind, or it may remain untitled. My life seems to be taking shape without instruction from me, so why shouldn't my blog?

Also, I'm typing this without my glasses on, but the muse won't allow me to get up and retrieve them for fear that I'll "ooh, SQUIRREL" my way into another thing that begs to be done RIGHT NOW, so if there are typos or other weirdness, blame it on my sketchy vision.

I now have a villa in Mexico. Read that again.

Have=rent, but still... 

here I am with two places to be and only one butt to put in them.

Currently - I'm typing from my office, which has a beautiful view of a very verdant yard. I've already fashioned a makeshift VO booth in one of my cabinets that works pretty well until I can get 'hold of some acoustic foam instead of bed pillows.

Still... it's my office in the Caribbean. Huzzah. 

'Scuse me - I had to stop to scratch one of many fresh mosquito bites that have mysteriously appeared on my legs, as (I'm learning) is pretty common when one spends time in the tropics. "The JUNGLE," to be exact, as I was recently reminded by a new friend when I told her that a gecko had happened by one evening. I'm not afraid of lizards... I think they're cute! Also, they eat bugs, which I AM afraid of.

I'm guessing that you would like to know how this happened. lol (for real)

Well - I'm still wondering at that myself.

I've been in the throes of burnout since 2019 but didn't realize it then.

I think I'm far enough into this post to go get my glasses and be trusted to come back and tell you the rest. Be right back...

BACK!

2019 was the height of the "She Shed" frenzy. 2020 brought the pandemic + the elation and stress of producing my show, "Sister President." 2021 brought an ADHD diagnosis, which made a LOT of things make sense, and a breast cancer diagnosis, which made a lot of things NOT make sense anymore... like what I was doing with my one wild and wonderful life that could be gone in an instant.

My Love Community rallied around me, I marshaled all of my forces, and got through active* cancer treatment, discovering at the end that I was no longer who I had been, but I wasn't sure of who I had become or what "she" was supposed to be doing.

All of my life, I have focused on "doing," and have been lauded for "doing well." Who am I if I can't "do??" I've been trying to figure this out since 2021, and the answer that my head has always known is becoming clearer to my heart:

I am a human BEING,  not a human DOING.

Yes, humans DO things, but the tail has been wagging the dog; BEING is a manifestation of the essence of me, and DOING is the overflow. Instead, I've been DOING and defining myself by what I do.

No wonder I'm confused when my spirit tells me to pivot.

If this takes time for you to digest, you're not alone. After a lifetime of being encouraged and even compelled to DO as much as possible for the sake of productivity, it's a complete paradigm shift, and I'm not done shifting yet.

So here I sit, partially-assembled but fully present, having returned to my blog as palm fronds sway in my peripheral vision, not "figuring it out" so much as allowing life to unfold. The white-knuckling version of me (ego) still screams and reaches for the steering wheel on occasion, but I do what I can to promise her that we are grown-assed women and quite capable of course-correcting should I prove to have made a mess of navigation.

I think we're on a good path this time, though. ❤️

--Nicole