In my last post, I told you all that I would be taking a bit of a break. I had planned to take a two-week hiatus from blogging, but it has been a little bit longer because I just didn't feel like it. I've been in a funk lately. Let me explain.
I'm generally an optimistic person. Not blindly, annoyingly cheerful or anything like that (i.e. "That's not rain, it's LIQUID SUNSHINE!"), but in the face of obstacles, I have the ability to see possibilities. We all have our unique gifts and I am well aware that that is one of my most valuable gifts.
But sometimes, y'all... just sometimes...
Sometimes I look at all of these friggin' "possibilities" and I just see work, work, and more work. And questions begging to be answered. And it makes me tired before I even begin. Times like now. And sometimes I ask "What's it all for?" I can't just stand still, though. It's not enough.
I'm an artist, and acting is my professional medium. I've made a living at it for over 3 years now, but I question what that really means? I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "In 'show business' there is MUCH more 'business' than 'show.'" Although I feel like I've won the lottery every time I book something, I still feel unfulfilled. No, this doesn't mean that I'm going to quit acting or anything like that- I just need it to be one component of a greater good. I need to grow and expand, and know that I'm contributing something useful. What's my goal? To book a lot of TV shows, work a lot, do great work, and make lots of money? For what? To buy more shoes? Visit Paris again? Why am I doing this? What else could I be doing?
Add to that line of thinking the fact that I have done more work so far this year than I have ever done, and yet I am having a tough time financially right now. It's a real bummer. When I shoot a show, I get paid once for the shoot and for it to air on TV one time. The amount is a lot for one day of work (more than I ever made in corporate America), but when you consider the fact that our business isn't one where you work everyday or even every month, it definitely isn't enough to make ends meet. So when my episodes air on TV one time then go straight to the internet (where I get paid nothing), it doesn't help my bottom line. Yes, I'm still stapling headshots to resumes, and mailing postcards. Yes my agents and my manager are still working hard on behalf of me and the rest of their clients (they don't get paid unless their clients are working), but the glitches in the economy are far-reaching.
So I have some time to ruminate. "What now?" There are many things that I could be doing, but I don't just need more "stuff to do" (trust me on this). I need to be able to pay my bills, and I also need to do something fulfilling. Perhaps something charitable for a cause that is near and dear to my heart (of which there are many). A commercial and/or a regular spot on a TV show would go a long way toward alleviating the financial pressures, but that's not all I need.
So, that's where I am. It's good to be back, and to share with you all again. This is just one part of an ongoing journey, and so far... I'm still standing. Hang in there with me...