Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Floundering In My Little Corner of the Universe...

Everything is so interconnected and accessible right now - I had my blog feeding into my Facebook page, I have business and personal contacts on my Facebook and MySpace page, My home phone is forwarded to my Google Voice number, which is forwarded to my cell phone, which is where EVERYBODY calls me anyway... so many lines between public and private are blurred right now. And while I'm "me" wherever I go, there are different ways of being that are appropriate in different settings. My friends know me one way, my family, another, and business contacts, yet another. And I'm not being disingenuous to any of them, but different relationships garner different types of interactions. I know y'all know what I mean.

When I come here, write, and get feedback/ questions/ comments from those of you who take the time to read my posts, it's like my little space where everyone knows my name, and I get to share whatever. My mother recently commented that she liked reading my posts better when I wrote for "Unscripted". After we talked a bit more, we figured out that it's because my blog's background is such a dark color and it feels heavy to her. She prefers a light and airy color scheme. I thought about changing it, and I may at some point, but I like it this way because it's like being in a little hole-in-the wall with a few close buddies, where we are entertained and kept attentive by one another rather that the decor. In our information society, with all of the accessibility that everyone has to everyone else, light and airy is a bit much for me right now. For the time being, I'm going with quiet, still, and mellow.

I have unlinked the blog from Facebook. People who find value in it are totally welcome to come and check it out here, and I can do my part to decrease (even a little bit) the info overload that has become a part of our lives.

That said, let me catch you up: I had a commercial audition for Applebee's last week, and it was fun. I got to eat (well, I nibbled a chip because I didn't know how long that other stuff had been sitting there), improv a conversation with another actress, and I felt good about it when I left. I am expecting my callback phone call tomorrow!

I have been talking to my "accountability partner", and, honestly, other than the fact that I admire and respect this very talented actress/ friend, I am really not feeling this accountability thing. I much prefer to be accountable to myself. And I don't really want to produce - I am so resistant to it, and I don't think it's just fear either. I really don't want to do it. I want to write and I want to act. I'm only even thinking about producing because I hate the idea of my writings never seeing the light of day, and I feel like the only way they're ever going to get produced is if I do it.

Sigh.

I don't really know what I'm doing right now. I've lost my way. A friend asked me what he could do to help, and I told him that if I knew I wanted to go north, I could ask him to help me go north, but since I have no idea where I'm trying to go right now, I don't know what to ask.

I love it when I am able to share with you about cheerful, happy things like bookings, inspiration, support, and focus. Love that.

But sometimes that's not where I am, and I am trying not to be too hard on myself for it. To get what I want, I set goals, and if an adjustment is required, I make the adjustment and keep going. I'm used to creating clear-cut goals. Right now I don't have a clear plan. And I don't know if that's "okay" or not, but that's where I am. I have no doubt that I'll be fine. Heck, I'm fine now, just a bit uncomfortable because I'm not used to this current state.

I'm sure there's a lesson that I need to learn in this somewhere, though.

Life is funny that way.


--Nicole

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