Monday, November 30, 2009

Happy (Belated) Thanksgiving!

My holiday was real chill.  REAL chill.  My breakfast was salt n' vinegar potato chips and french onion dip.  My dinner was light beer (only 100 calories to balance out the breakfast calorie load), and Stove Top stuffing in a microwaveable cup.  I spent the day alone, lying on the living room floor playing video games, and I only spoke to two people (in the evening when I turned my phone on).  Sounds pathetic, right?  It wasn't at all, I SWEAR.  There were places that I could have gone, but I didn't want to.  I wanted to play with my PS2, and think about stuff.

Late that night I talked to a long-time actor friend of mine.  I explained how I've been feeling disenchanted, uninspired, and directionless lately and that I wasn't sure how to get myself moving in the right direction again.  Heck, I wasn't even sure what the right direction was (and if you don't know where you want to go, any road will take you there).  He asked me what had changed, and I honestly didn't know.  I told him that I was wondering if I needed a life coach.  I mentioned Michelle, and I mentioned Cassandra.  I also told him that they were both going to twist my brain with hard questions and if Michelle made me answer any of those "Tough Tuesday" questions of hers, I just might collapse into a quivering puddle of goo.

So we walked through it:  I've been acting since 1993, and 2009 finds me booking one-line gig after one-line gig.  Where's the art in that?  Did I really train for all that time and invest lots of money so that I can do THIS?  Heck no.  But what changed?  Well, in the past few years, whenever I needed to feed my creative monster, I've been able to travel, take foreign language classes, buy paint & canvas... something to fill my tank so I could have fuel to keep moving ahead.  Now, I really can't afford to do any of that, so I have more time to just brood.  My friend said: "So this is all about having no money."

LIGHTBULB!  I knew I was broke, but I didn't realize that it was really taking my mood down the tubes in the way that it has.  Now I feel like "You mean all I have to do is make some money so I can go back to balancing out the 'work' with 'play'?"  I can do that.  That means this is fixable (I was really worried that it wasn't)!

Here's the thing about money:  I believe it is useful only as far as it can be used as a tool to enrich my life and the lives of those around me in a meaningful way (not wall-to-wall Prada purses and a driveway full of Maybachs).  Would I love to me a filthy rich?  Um, YEAH, but not just for me.  I'd just need enough to be comfortable and use the rest to help allay the stresses of others who need it.

I am feeling excited again because I know that as soon as I get some $ in the bank, I can fix everything that's wrong right now.  I feel so much better knowing for sure that this situation is only temporary, that it's external, and that it's not overall dissatisfaction with my life, my career, and myself.  I was truly beginning to wonder...

Now I need to change into my scrub top, and go to my "90210" audition.  This is the fifth time I've been called in (so they obviously like me), and I think it's time to book this little one-line role.  lol

I'M BACK! (giggle)


--Nicole

P.S. I still won't have my rent money for another week (and it's due tomorrow), but I am not going to let it make me crazy.  (Er.)

3 comments:

Devine Diva said...

Very insightful and honest. I feel you pain. I have often wondered the same thing regarding the direction I am going in or lack there of in acting and other pursuits. Sometimes it's about getting the perspective shifted to make the difference. Thank you for sharing your insights.

Nicole J. Butler said...

Hey "Devine!" -

Sounds like Socrates' quote was right when he said "The unexamined life is not worth living." Sometimes we have to stop and take some time to take an honest look at where we are. And sometimes (because we are all so busy 'getting there') it takes life's circumstances to force us into it.

But we're still standing.

Michelle | When I Grow Up Coach said...

I just saw this - ah! And I PROMISE I'm not SO mean that all I do is ask my clients Tough Questions. I do that sometimes - just not all the time :) So I'm still mean, but not SO mean.

Can't wait to see what the Money Lightbulb turns up for you!