Monday, December 28, 2009
♪♬"I am unwritten,
can't read my mind,
I'm just beginning,
the pen's in my hand,
Sometimes life throws us curveballs. That is life's job. Our job is to keep growing and helping as many people around us to grow as possible.
As I get older, I realize that few things work out exactly as planned. I plot and plan like a mad scientist, then head off in one direction and end up someplace completely different, wondering "How in the world...?" It's usually more amusing than annoying because I'm pretty good at making lemonade out of lemons, and I enjoy change. It's inevitable - the doorbell rings, and I tell Change "come on in, I've been waiting for you. What'cha got for me this time?" Even in the most untenable situation, when I'm whining a whine to beat all whines, I know it's only temporary.
2009 has been a year of (seemingly) interminable self-reflection. Ugh. Lots of sturm und drang, and "what am I doing with my life?" ad nauseum.
And all because I was doing my best to ignore the changes that loomed larger each time I looked into my rear view mirror. "If I don't look, maybe it's not really there." was my rationale. Didn't work. Ugh.
So now I'm going to go with the old adage "Tell the truth and shame the devil." and 'fess up.
My passion for my acting career, the career for which I've worked so long and hard has waned quite a bit. I love the acting part. LOVE it. But show business is not fun right now. Because of the shows I've booked this year, my resume looks pretty darn good, but honestly - how much do I really get to act? I've shot 8 shows this year which has equated to working on-set for about 12 days. The rest of the time was auditioning, classes, workshops, marketing, and production work. And this is being a "working actor." All business and little show makes Nicole a sad girl.
I haven't wanted to say this because I didn't want it to sound like I'm giving up or gonna half-do things. I don't do anything halfway. I have two agents and a manager who believe in me, and work hard on my behalf. I would never waste their time and efforts by not giving my all. Not to mention wasting precious moments of my life by doing something I no longer want to do. If that ever happens, I'll walk away. Right now, I'm exploring other options that will bring creative fulfillment.
Like most artists, I do a LOT of things: act, write, sing, paint, artsy-craftsy stuff... all art comes from need for self-expression. Also, as I've mentioned before, I feel the need to give back in a meaningful way that not only helps improve the lives of others, but fulfills me as well. I've thought about giving more to charity, and/or doing volunteer work, as I used to years ago. None of that moved me. What moves me is seeing peoples faces light up when they talk about what they REALLY want to do (which is usually NOT what they're currently doing) and being able to offer some advice, inspiration, perspective, and guidance to help them start the journey down the road toward their own personal rainbow. I don't have a God complex or any delusions that I alone have the power to change peoples' lives - but I'm pretty darned good at shining a spotlight on the tools and resources that they can utilize to change their OWN lives.
I also have an awful case of wanderlust. I am overwhelmed with the desire to just take off for awhile, travel, see how other cultures live, and just be as much of a sponge and student of life that I can be. I'm trying to make some sense of it all, how many elements I can combine, and move toward the stuff that moves me TODAY without clinging on to all the work I've done in the past. Nothing gets out of a closed fist, but neither can anything get in. Plus if you keep your fist too tightly closed, you crush what you once held dear.
So, I expect that Change will be ringing my doorbell again soon. As always, I'll answer and offer my familiar friend a cup of chamomile. After that? Who knows. The end hasn't been written yet.